As the eldest of four, I cannot even begin to understand the impact of Mum’s death on my younger siblings. My father, too. We all just got on with it. Trying to grieve, but subconsciously delayed, as we were never equipped to do it in any meaningful way. It still fascinates me that no-one recommended that we went into counselling, as a family or individually. Perhaps it was suggested to Dad, as the adult, but the point is we never actually went through a concerted healing process.
I found myself in my mid-30s, angry, confused and not surprisingly, single.
I found myself in my mid-30s, angry, confused and not surprisingly, single. How can you find your ‘other half’ when you’re not whole? By the way, the concept of the other half is one conjured by a society intent on perpetuating the misnomer that we are not complete and need an ‘other’ to do so. Nevertheless, in my distorted sense of self, that was my reality.
There was no-one in my recent past or from years gone by, who had any long-term potential, let alone marriage. Some had gone on to be husbands, some were on their way to being married, in committed relationships, still playing the field or having children. You see, that was the essence of my heartache. I desperately wanted to have a child, a daughter, specifically, to reincarnate the relationship I pined for with my mother.
One of the hardest parts of my journey was taking 100% responsibility for my 50% in each of the failed relationships and encounters that I had had over the years. I had to stop the blame-game and acknowledge that, for whatever reasons; ignorance, selfishness and basic stupidity, I was very much a part of it all. I was the common denominator!
Once I released the victim mentality and label, it opened the floodgate of tears of relief, somewhat tinged with sadness, but overwhelming happiness, that led to healing that, even to this day, I look back and marvel at the power of God and His miracles.
For the first time, I could forgive myself, I was able to bury the past and move on, I removed persons that carried any vestige of negativity in my life.
The next year or so was spent in what I can describe as ‘blissful singlehood’. For the first time, I could forgive myself, I was able to bury the past and move on, I removed persons that carried any vestige of negativity in my life. Above all, I learned to love Robyn and loved spending time with me, myself and I. In the hustle and bustle of work, I would relish weekends when I could get a series of DVDs on contract [pre-WIFI and Netflix], stock up on my favourite foods, switch off my phone, sleep whenever I felt like it, go to the gym, and socialise with some special friends, now and again. To the outside world, it could have looked extremely lonely. But to me, it was heaven on earth.
Such was my happiness and content that I felt some consternation when Ipeleng, an ex-work colleague and friend, announced that she had someone she wanted to introduce me to. My body, mind and soul had become my sanctuary and I was not ready or willing to share any of that. No. I had resolved to remain single for the rest of my days. My only request to the Universe was that I had money; to help my family, travel, enjoy some worldly comforts and so on. There was no plan for the disruption of another. I was done.
And as God has plans that we can never anticipate, so a new chapter in my journey began.